The Mystery of the missing Yin

Lets just say it wasn’t what I had thought , but when is it ever ? It is truly always about the journey.

So this is the first post I have written in a very long time. ( But not published, Looking for Directions was written after this)

It wasn’t until I reopened the blog a few days ago and reread my entries and most importantly the date of my last post that the eureka moment happened.

breath in the good shit

In August 2017 I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis (MS). My last post was November of that year, and I had already written it, it was just a matter of publishing it, so I did.

What I did next is a blur

I was told what it was, MS. Small bit of back round info, for years I had been prodded and tested and tested some more. Nothing had given any real answers for why I was always in pain.  This is Part of why I started the search for the missing Yin. My amazing acupuncturist Alex did so much for me, and in fact had always suspected that I had MS or something like it. He started me on the journey which lead me to writing this blog. But I digress, I felt release and relief to have an answer, being told there is nothing wrong with you for years, really does lead one to doubt ones self.

So in many ways I was happy. Terrified but happy. I started DMD’s 2 days later. I really didn’t have a fucking clue what was going on, I just trusted the Doctors. in shock

We were scared about what was happening, but the support from my families was and is amazing. I found myself one month later meeting a women who was living pretty much symptom free. She was traveling the other road from me. She had a holistic Doctor, while I was on the more typical road. I sat in the stunning surroundings of Hospital Sant Pau having coffee listening to her journey.

It was wonderful and inspiring but I wasn’t ready to go down that road. I will write about her story in a different blog, as there is a lot of info. Over the following period of time, other warriors came my way and shared their stories. I took it all in. But to very honest it was all so very overwhelming.

The one thing I did take away from all the wonderful ladies I communicated with face to face, online and over the phone, was that each one of our journeys are different. So my take away was that I had to find my own way through the fog, but that I wasn’t alone.

I had to do this in my own time, I needed to be ready. In some way that brought me some comfort. This leads into my last blog Directions, which I hope you read. Especially now I welcome feed back. 

emotional punishment 3

 

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Looking for Directions ! Part 1

Stuck, now that is a good word. It explains where I was before I came to find Karen and MS to Success. I didn’t know which way was the right way to turn, let alone which way to go. I was inundated with so much information.  Google is not always our friend. 🙂        So much that I was stuck like my feet were in quicksand.

I like, the picture below was going in a direction, but I couldn’t see if it was the right way or any way to be honest.

red arrows to the left

Directions

Finding out that you have this illness is like being hit by a bus again and again. There are waves of the attack. We all know little bits of information about different illnesses in the world. But it is impossible to know everything, how could we.

So when you are finally given your diagnose, your mind goes searching through all the reams of information that we have stored up over our lives. My Mind took me to a moment when I first met someone with MS. I was 15 and in a hospital bed next to a young women, late twenties or so. I remember I was nervous around her, I was shy and didn’t want to be nosy.  She had to get help to get in and out of bed. One day she asked me to help her out of bed, so I did and I helped her to the TV room where you could smoke. She was the first person I had met in my life with MS. I remember her humor and spirit even now.

So when the MS bus came and hit me, I saw the image of me helping this young women walk and it freaked the Fuck out of me. It took me along time to get here, to even write about it, I stopped blogging after I was diagnosed. All my struggle to find balance and answers in my life went out the window and in flew lots of medication and advise. I have to say most of it ( however well meaning) was a load of shite. It came from people who didn’t have MS, they were like the 15 year old me. They just didn’t get it. To be perfectly honest I didn’t want hear most of what they said either. I was just so overwhelmed by everything.

So I took the Medication, dealt with the horrible side effects, mine weren’t as bad as the warnings on the box. So you take these drugs which are not a cure, but a slow motion button, if you are lucky.

But then what, you read and you read. Slowly you find information and most importantly people. Your body adjusts to the medication and the side effects (yuck). Your goals change, because now there is this big Hugh life changing thing hanging over your head, But somewhere inside, you know there is more than a life of medication and pain. But the illness is strong, it messes with your ability to think straight and that is before you have a chance to come to terms with what this means for the rest of your life.

MRI’s, consultants, specialist nurses, special medical forms need to be filled in. Disabled parking spaces !!

It can be so overwhelming for any one person to handle on their own. Again all the information out there is infuriating and there is just so much of it. It is like having a new full time job, without having any of the qualifications needed to succeed at it.

So I looked for a way to understand what was happening to me. My first stop was food and nutrition.

health

I started to make changes to what I put into my body. I wanted to be as strong as possible. But I was like a child trying to pin the tail on the donkey. I might get lucky or I might walk into a tree :). I was missing something.

dissapearing piece

I needed a guide to help me navigate my new normal. The Doctors will offer bits of the puzzle, but there are so many pieces to put together that it becomes draining.

So when I met Karen and heard her story, it felt right. Of course I was scared but I had nothing to lose and everything to gain. So we ventured off on a journey together. Because with Karen you are not alone, she is with you every step of the way. She knows the path that you are on. She gives you the tools not only to deal with what is happening to you, but so many other things. After every group or one to one session I literately feel lighter. It is like I am me again, I am not defined by this disease.

graude drunk

I am so grateful for the journey that I am now on, I don’t have all the answers but I am going in the right direction, I am no longer stuck. 

unicorn self care

Personal Punishment ?

personal pun 1

Now is that a Title or What !!…… I am sure you may have ideas or thoughts where this one is going, trust me so do I. 🙂

But before anyone gets any funny ideas, I am still talking about Balance and a persons emotional searching. Do we set the bar too high for ourselves?  Or do we set way too low ?

This is a subject I have been battling with for a very long time. Where is the line or is there even a line. Does each one of us have their own?  I think ………. Oh what do I think? That changes from moment to moment, me,emotional punishment 1 myself and I are like the weather on that subject and many many other subjects. This goes back to being empathetic. We are like sponges when it comes to emotions.

So where am I going with this entry? I see so many question marks, but each one is important. I believe to understand ones self, one needs to question and search for answers. I was raised in a way that lead me down the rabbit hole, of self-doubt and guilt for everything. It is not healthy. It is also not point the finger at the parents time.. I understand and fully believe in self-determination. I as an adult am fully responsible for my emotional actions. The problem is what if you do not have the tools to deal with them. This is why the search for balance in all accepts of my life.

emotional punishment 4emotional punishment 3

So we need tools, but there is no guide-book which says well you need this to do that etc… I need to keep going. I need to never give up. We are more than that, we are better than that. Flashing cursor is bloody annoying when trying keep the energy flowing.

Pandora´s Gift !

Well there, it has been a strange old week. I began my week adjusting to my new number / decade & all the bullshit baggage that is attached to ageing etc..

But I will not get bogged down in all of that, ultimately it is just a number!

My main gripe is that there is so much “fake news” surrounding aging once a certain number arrives. Come on, it is not like we can stop it and go whoo no I am not ready give me 5 more years to prepare. This charming phenomenon seems to occur mainly for Women. Why is that ? I can tell you why because we are bombarded on a daily basics with sorts of subtle to blatantly in your faces marketing and sales pitches on why once a number appears, we are of less value in all aspects of life. Well I am not having it. I refuse point-blank to be categorized by my age. Why should anyone?

Are we really living on a world where one day all options are opened, clock strikes and boom.. we are pushed to one side. HELLO I AM STILL HERE

I am no freaking “Cinderella” Of course this has always been there the subtle part of culture, the culture I know and grew up in is Western Europe. We should have completed our buckle list of important stuff. Well what the Fuck! I am not finished and I do not intend to be finished with it until I draw my last breath. Rant semi over 🙂

So What has my age rant have to do with my search for the missing “Yin”. Well first thing is it made be think about all the bullshit and stereotypes which are just hoisted onto the backs off all women and we are expected to carry. I never really thought about it too much. Only the really obvious one “tick toc”. That is really the only one which has any ostrich_with_head_in_sand_avoiding_his_birthday_card-rdd2e61c19ace41618c956817ad507c41_xvuat_8byvr_324truth behind it. Who knows in the future it may not apply. But I digress from our subject. Balance brought me here, spilling my guts verbally not literally.

So ostriches no more. Too long putting my head in the sand & hoping all the bad stuff will just go away. As we all know it never does it just ends up in one of those “files” I keep talking about. Well this week as I was saying was tough in many ways. Becoming a new number didn’t feel any different, but I had unconsciously been carrying it around for so long I never noticed anyway.

So that was the “file” I opened this week. Yuck is all I Have to say on first glance at all the silly ideas that where stuck in there, seeping out like a damaged food package in the back of the fridge infecting ever so slowly other parts. I will gladly admit I really did not face it well.

I felt all sorts of strange emotions bubbling up to the surface. Their names are (not in order of importance ) confusion, Doubt, self-consciousness, guilt, anger, fear. All very dark and damaging emotions when they are left out of that Pandora’s box / file. It lead me into the black and I could not see clearly or rationally for a bit. I just wanted to be that ostrich and stick my head in the sand and wait for them all to go on their merry way when they were finished torturing me. To be fair that is exactly what I did for a bit. But I could not shake the feeling that I could beat this, I was stronger, better than that. So my logic was divide and conquer.

I looked at each one and Tried rationally to understand what they meant specifically for me. SO MUCH FUN !!

Confusion is a very normal emotion for us all, we all get it and even in our confused state we understand, no taboos attached to that one. My issue was why am I confused. We will get back to that.

pandora 2Doubt is a tricky one, it slowly creeps up on you when you least expect it and pounces like a Lion in a David Attenborough episode of plant earth. It knocks you out and steals you confidence like a thief in the night.

Self-pandora 1consciousness was the one that really pissed me off, what was that doing in there. It is also the reason for my Age rant at the beginning. I found myself being more aware of myself and thinking way too much about the opinions of others. Checking myself, it had such a nasty feel to it. Thankfully a random thing happen and snapped me right out of it.

I think the last 3 Guilt, Anger and fear all go together and feed off each other. Think about it Guilt creates fear. The final bit anger jumps right in as you are dealing with the other 2 and the circle starts again. Those are hard emotions to control. It is not impossible but hard work is required.

pandora 3

Talk to the Hand !

 

 

So My Pandora´s box was not the birthday present I was hoping to receive from myself this year. But everything worth having takes work. In the end the it was a present and it helped me on my journey. Being given the gift of facing your imperfections & fears and discovering you have the tools to deal with them is an amazing feeling.

 

 

Corrupted Emotional Files !!

A few blogs back I said / mentioned I was daring to look. Daring to find & open them. My latest blog Tailspin v Tightrope was exactly that. It was one of the “files” that I keep talking about. Honestly it was not my first choice to open, it sort of opened its self. 🙂 images cor files 2

An anniversary was happening and it unintentional I believe lead to the file being reopened. It has not been my first time looking at this particular file. But I discovered a few pieces of information which I had not known before or was too emotional involved to notice. First to answer a few of my own previous Questions.

Yes the past emotions ( feelings) of Love remain and yes I am talking about the romantic kind now. But having them remain does not mean stepping back into the past in any way. Just an acceptance, an acknowledgment of what was once true & leaving it were it belongs in the past.

When we (me) are feeling pain, it can be hard to see the other person’s side. Someone once said the are 3 sides to any story. The 2 involved in the relationship and then the actual truth. This, I think I always knew to be the truth, but didn’t accept it or want to face it. Pain of loss is felt by both sides. Then both move along with life, right ? No not true. Corrupted files are not mine alone. We all have them. I found myself feeling the release of realizing this idea. Finally letting go of this old idea that it was only me which I had led myself to be true. And more importantly closing the file and deleting it.

123732-Let-It-Go-And-Move-Forward love this

So am I cured (not sure about that word) of this particular file ? No not at all but I understand the 3 sides now and I am OK with closing it and deleting it. Why ?images cur files 4

Well because I am not Marty Mac Fly in Back to the Future. Whatever I now know it is irrelevant to my here and now. So playing the what if game stops now! As it is a waste. The majority of people already know this and honestly so do I. But understanding something and truly getting it are two very different things. Truly being able to clean out the corrupted / damaged files means being able to Decode all the bullshit that has been surrounding them for how ever very long and just letting go.

Humans are emotional animals and we are also very good at survival, particularly emotional survival. We will do what ever is necessary to survive. That survival sometimes means fooling ourselves with whatever story we decide helps us best to cope. Part of the reason for this blog / journey is decoding the old files and deleting all the unnecessary ones to make room for me and my future.

I am choosing life, my life, my future and more importantly my present because it is all we really have.

Tailspin Vs Tightrope!!

OK so no Title, ( now we have)  as I am not sure where this will go. Still willing to follow 🙂 What to do when the past is not as much in the past as you thought ? How can one be balanced when one foot is stuck in the murky mud of the past?

This truly is a question… To be in a state of balance once has to be aware of both sides. The Yin & the Yang but when certain “files” keep popping up they throw you off-balance. In some cases into a tailspin. Memories are a strange one, are they accurate or just the way we choose to remember them?

the way we were

 

I am a sucker for this movie and judging by the number of times I have watched it, I should really understand the meaning / sentiment, particularly of this shot. Most of the time I do. Love is Love. It does not always work, but the feelings remain somewhere in one of our “files”. Most of us seem to be able to move them to the junk folder and either delete or just with time forget.

This is not out of callousness but I am assuming out of a survival instinct . My “files” never seem to get as far as the junk folder. Just popped into a remote box & placed out of sight. Sometimes it is by accident that they appear other times by choice. Always with the belief that harm will not or cannot be caused.  But I am discovering harm is always caused one way or another.

Is it true that in a relationship that one person always loves just a little bit more ?

What happens to that Love when it ends, Where does the emotions go?

Why can they not be resolved and released like a bird with a damaged wing, now cured due to the care it received and just fly off into the world and be OK.

Does the emotion of Love forever mark or taint us with the other person ? Are our souls forever connected?

Answers on a postcard please 🙂

On a flow ;) Maybe the Yin is in play !!! Time to clean house

So today, I posted the second entry months later than I had written it. It felt raw to write so I just saved it and walked away. Today I was drawn back here somehow.. The fog is lifting.. I reread the post & felt the raw emotion but the fear of the emotion had moved on. 

So I reread it one more time and pressed publish. Then I just kept going, something was / is happening, The point of all of this blogging was to find my elusive Yin, my balance.

To face certain parts of myself past, present and future. Each persons journey is different I am my nature a sarcastic and slightly ( ok very ) defensive person, So even conceiving the idea to be open and honest in this type of forum is odd for me to say the least. But I believe it to be healthy and possibly even fun…. Now I being the sarcastic girl that I am doom etc will fall again but determination & stubbornness are other parts of my nature.

They just have been stuck behind that wall I have mentioned before.  The light is peeping its way through the wall brick by brick… Procrastination is my main enemy so when the flow is flowing let it flow I say 🙂

I find myself listening to funny radio sketches from an old friend, which are inspiring me to just let the thoughts out. I have always been reserved about certain parts of my life.

Guarded is a better word. Feelings of guilt, fear & sadness weaken you. Slowly it breaks (or is eats a better word ) at your power, confidence and self-worth. Also your memory strangely enough. brain 2

Yesterday I began to be reminded of files (lets call them that) that I have shoved out of my way to the very back of myself. My Mind / Brian whatever you want to call it. I think  that we all collect these “files” and if we don’t deal with them they are shoved out of our minds eye. The filling cabinet, all storage units only have so  much space and once capacity has been reached malfunctions start. But like a smart phone which has too many apps or clutter a clean out has to be done. In the case of the human brain this is not so simple as pressing a button and removing the unwanted data.

No us mortals have to work at this… First warning is not a nice flashing notice on your phone please removed unnecessary data. No it is not nice at all. For many of us, it can be a nagging voice somewhere in the fog. We being the people we are do nothing and continue with our day-to-day life. The voice tries again… Again ignore….

Then we can start to feel the consequence of too much data, some of our functions do not perform as usual. Moods change, emotions can become erratic. Normal functions are being interrupted, again ignore.. We have too much going on in our amazing important lives to pay attention to a few blips along the way.

emotions1

This pattern can continue in this manner for any length of time. It seems to vary from mind to mind. Many of us are more accomplished at hiding from the truth. Months can pass and we can survive with these malfunctions, we can excuse them away. We can continue. Avoid at all cost the unwanted data, It is after all unwanted for a reason.danger zone 1

But what was once a malfunction can slowly become the norm, this is where the danger is. The filling cabinet is full but adapts somehow, we don’t notice the changes in ourselves we just carry on regardless.  But this is truly were the shit gets real. We still are oblivious to what is going on within.borg star trek

Years can pass and like any good Borg we adapt and move on. So what happens to a person, their true self when they are adapting to the Borg. They loose bits and bits of themselves. They fall into an invisible trap. We are so adept at survival what is the loss of a few bits of ourselves?

So what in all my rambling am I getting at, it is quite simple. Never give up, dare to find those “files” which are corrupting our true selves and open them. What then ?

Well that is the part I am at, daring to look.

 

 

 

 

 

So what does help in the search ?

People, Friends, Lovers ………time ?

No man is an Island, We all need someone and strangely enough sometimes that someone is ourselves. Am I contradicting myself, maybe but we all need to be our own best friend. That I have found this to be very difficult is an understatement….!


I see myself as a kind person, I am empathetic.

emp 4

This is something I feel the world needs more of, but it can also have a negative effect for those who are empaths. Any Star Trek Nerds?emp 5 troy

People who are empathetic are like sponges for emotions, every ones emotions.

This is where the Yin Yang balance comes back into play. Feeling too deeply about anything or anyone can drain you. If you are not strong enough to cope with the emotions which are surrounding you, they can swallow you up. Then you find yourself drowning in the black hole again. Some call this the black dog, depression.

But I don’t think this is always depression. I believe it is just hard to sort it all out in our heads and hearts. We need a software update to process all that we absorbing all the time. It truly can be overwhelming at times. I personally built walls thick high ones. Too much emotions at once can and will cause a shut down. This wall does not turn off the “power” it just can make showing ones own emotions very difficult. Ironic maybe. We are said to be the best type of friends but often tend not to be the best sort of friends to ourselves.

This is where the search for balance comes in again. To truly be able to be once own best friend one needs balance.  I never expected this search to be easy, I now understand it to be a life long search. Like walking a tightrope difficult but not impossible..

tightrope

one foot in front of the other

So here I am in my search….. I am understanding myself more and more. Great you may say. But looking in the mirror and seeing the truth is not always a pleasant experience and definitely not an easy dish to digest.

If we are lucky in life we will have people may they be friends or lovers or both maybe who will hold that mirror for us. Let me end on this note I am taking the wall down one brick at a time. But for this to work I need “Friends, lovers and time” or to quote Cher  love and understanding 🙂

So what now ? Light v Dark is this what it has all been about ?

scan0001In Chinese philosophy, yin and yang (also yin-yang or yin yang, yīnyáng “dark—bright”) describe how seemingly opposite or contrary forces may actually be complementary, interconnected, and interdependent in the natural world, and how they may give rise to each other as they interrelate to one another. Many tangible dualities (such as light and dark, fire and water, expanding and contracting) are thought of as physical manifestations of the duality symbolized by yin and yang.

So the above is a Wikipedia definition of what I am talking about, thinking about and ultimately searching for. Silly question! which am I ? Why am I unbalanced in the yin yang world? All lots and lots of questions. Now the scary bit is when you feel you have the answers well at least some of them. If you’re in that dark place searching for the light with the map out, why do you keep going around and around in circles ?

Sound familiar anyone ? So why do we get locked into bad patterns over and over again ?

Above you see my handsome Daddy and me ! I lost him nearly 21 years ago and the closer it gets to the date the more it feels like I am right back there again, that confusing and terrifying day when the world turned upside down for me. The more I have been thinking about this yin yang stuff the more I end up back at that day, and days similar to it. The one 5 years earlier, that was the day I told him my (big strong Daddy) that his little girl ( my baby sister) had died.

This feels like a random stream of consciousness, maybe it is…

Maybe that is what the search is all about. Finding balance and acceptance in a world whatever age we are. Age is just a number I have heard, Grief is not something you get over at any age. You accept the facts and you live.

Easy as that last sentence sounds it is not. But is also not impossible. Yes you can fall into the abyss of darkness and sorrow and never find your way back to the light. But there is no time limit on when you once again see light. Many I have known feel the pain and loneliness and assume that they are not doing it right. Honestly there is no right way to deal with having the world pulled from under you over and over again.

Just don’t get too comfortable in the black and dark place, cause it feeds off the sadness you feel, like the big bad monster in a scary film.